Schlock du Jour: Holy Moly (1991)

directed by: Lance Ozanix
runtime: 30 mins or so.

You can tell a lot from an exclamation. For example, “Yikes!” tells us you are scared. “Ow!” tells us you are hurt. “Zoinks!” and “Jinkies!” tell us you are trapped in an episode of Scooby-Doo. Sometimes, when you’re watching shot-on-video horror, you just have to exclaim “Holy Moly!”

Name’s Moly. Holy Moly

In HOLY MOLY, a jovial priest in a makeshift clerical collar named Holy (director Ozanix) is chosen by a man in a trenchcoat and neon green sunglasses named Vile (Chris Schott) to kill in the name of Evil. What ensues is mostly vomit, but it all culminates in the devil ripping Holy’s spine out through his asshole.

And I’m coming for yours, too!

As you have likely surmised, HOLY MOLY doesn’t trouble itself with the likes of plots, philosophies, political commentary, or really any sort of worldview. It doesn’t make a statement or satirize the state of the world in any way. No, HOLY MOLY is just happy to exist—and it exists in a world of cheap rubber masks and even cheaper special effects. The whole movie could have been made for the cost of a load of laundry and a medium Slurpee.

I may be cheap, but at least I’m easy!

There’s fun to be had with zombies, chopped-off fingers, and scotch (from Scotland!). There’s a good musical reprise and some nifty colorful lighting. Is it good? God no! But it’s hard to hate on this little backyard video. It’s a heavy metal movie featuring no heavy metal. The director/star Lance Ozanix is actually the frontman for an underground thrash metal band called Skitzo. Co-star Chris Schott is his friend and artist for some of their album covers. According to Ozanix, they made this movie to commemorate their friendship and give them something to look back on. Isn’t that sweet? Really the main offense this movie commits is having no women in it.

I think I heard a Schott!

Remember that vomit I mentioned earlier? Well it just so happens that puke is Ozanix’s schtick, as he likes to vomit on stage during his performances with Skitzo. He has appeared on Jerry Springer and Judge Judy, respectively, to defend his signature bright-green regurgitations which he can reportedly project up to 19 feet.

Guilty.

There are two cuts of HOLY MOLY. There’s the original cut, and the re-cut from 1999. The original cut is the better of the two, as the re-cut taints the amateurish quality with that of a separate amateur who is trying to make lemonade out of lemons but has apparently never tasted lemonade himself.

HOLY MOLY didn’t blast my brain or separate me from my senses or make me join a cult or anything, but it did make me smile. I recommend HOLY MOLY to vom fetishists, Skitzo fans, Devil worshippers, barbers for some reason, and SOV completionists.

Stay sick, friends!
-Elliot

Bonus fun fact: Upon logging HOLY MOLY on letterboxd, I have now logged 100 SOV movies!


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